The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

12:06 May 31 2010
Times Read: 830


This will probably be my last entry of the month.



=)



At least I can say this has been a more productive month than I've had in a while.



Reasons why?



Let's see:



1. I got really sick in four days but got better in a couple of weeks. LOL!

2. I screwed myself over in my Composition II course but redeemed myself fully.

3. I spoke what was on my mind about my medications to my psychiatrist and went through a medicine change.

4. New medications working better than anything I've been on before. Woot!

5. Brett and I have become closer... insanely.

6. We're starting to match each other's sex drive now that he's being treated for depression. Passionate sex... actual lovemaking and not just fucking!

7. I got at least a B and a C in the two courses I finished up last night.

8. I'm already preparing for this week's work in the other course. I've been working on the stuff since about five o'clock this morning.

9. I got the nerve up to deal with the social security office.

10. I've made most of my appointments this month... except one doctor (PCP) appointment and one therapist appointment. I had seen Nancy not even four days before... they just didn't cancel my other appointment and I got really ill.



I think one of the best things to come from this month and the happenings of it is...



I don't care whether I'm fat or not. If I'm going to be stuck in my body for the rest of my life, I want my confidence back. I had loads of it in Nashville, TN but I lost it over the past two and a half years. Whether I'm considered obese or not doesn't matter right now... it matters that I'm confident in myself and HEALTHY.



Once those are achieved... the weight will melt away like it did when I moved down to meet and live with Brett in 2006.



I'm so glad we stayed together at the end of last year. We're right for each other. All of our feelings we used to feel for each other have returned. We're in love with each other again. We can't keep our hands off the other and it feels completely right.



I'm not jealous of anyone's relationship anymore... because yeah, we still have a few problems communicating our feelings, but we couldn't be closer at this moment in time.



This feels right.



We're getting better together and helping the other... like it should be but hasn't been for a long while.



That's what the private journal entry is about... it's about how far Brett and I have come in our relationship since November of 2009. It took us almost losing the other and trying to rip out the other's throat to truly see what we were going to lose and want to honestly fight to get it back.



... It's time to take my morning medicine. I'll be getting back to my homework once done with this entry. I don't care to waste the week away while it's at my disposal.



However, we have been invited over to my mom's house for their Memorial Day celebration. I'm looking forward to going... but I am uneasy about it. The reason being I haven't been out of our apartment in about a week. It's not that I'm uneasy about going to my mom's or seeing family... it's that I'm uneasy about going outside and feeling exposed, once again.



I know I have to do this. I know if I want to get better, then I have to go out. Sometimes I just forget to do so or even attempt it. I try not to dwell on my thoughts but it doesn't always work. That fear is just too great to completely ignore but I'm trying hard not to get swallowed up in self-pity. It's not going to do me any good. *shakes head* I know it won't. But I know I won't be able to beat this down in a day and to take my time so I don't overwhelm myself. I've done that in the past couple of years... overwhelmed myself, that is. It didn't do any good. It only made the fear greater and the depression worse.



It's a viscous cycle that I'm caught in.



Day after day...



I'm confident I'll break it though. I'm capable of it. I just have to work little by little... working my way to the edge. I'll know when it's the right time, I'll sense it somehow... and then... then, I'll jump the hell out!



This month is the most I've felt like me since about August or September of 2007. That's a long time to loose oneself. And once you're lost, it's hard to find yourself again.



I'll do it. I can't and won't give up.

20:52 May 30 2010
Times Read: 849


VR is an addiction for me. *nods* Doing homework, listening to music, talking to my professor, and on here. LOL!



I've gotten done with everything in my math course now... and I have those two blasted papers for my composition II course.



I have about 30 more minutes working with the help of my professor for the one course.



I'm a pretty happy Tiffy.



*nods*

01:56 May 30 2010
Times Read: 869


"DireConsequences won this contest at 01:51 on May 30 2010"



Ahhhhhhhhhhh!



The other laptop JUST DIED but I clicked it just in time!



OMFG!



It started on May 9th... I didn't start until the 10th. It's now May 29th!



And yeah, pride is no where to be found about me getting on the other laptop meant for Brett to type this the fuck out and make sure it bloody registered!

01:49 May 30 2010
Times Read: 870


I'm not even sure I'll be able to finish typing this journal entry before the laptop overheats... yet again.



I got the viruses off by doing a dell image system restore... three times. It kept overheating during automatic updates.



My fan that I sleep with on is actually on the laptop as I type and aimed to hit the underside.



The Core CPU temperature is reading 71 degrees Celsius. Not good. We're pretty sure the fan has completely stopped working at this point.



*sighs* This hasn't been a good week but it's been better than anyone knows.



I'll be writing about that later on. It's some of what my private journal entry is about.



But my dilemma is this...



I have to get my homework turned in for two courses by the end of tomorrow night (midnight).



I have some options available to me but I don't know which is better.



1. I can try to do my homework on this laptop and risk losing everything I do before it's completed and turned in.



*Keep in mind the laptop has overheated at least eight times today alone.*



2. I can use another laptop that isn't supposed to be for me to use and I would feel horrible about it. I don't even feel right checking my VR on it. One of Brett's family members actually sent it to us for him to use.



3. I can go upstairs to our bedroom, deal with distractions, and try sitting on the edge of the bed. Only problem is distractions, my back problems, and my medicines causing the dizzy and light-headed feeling.



4. I can also have Brett bring my desktop downstairs temporarily and set it up on the coffee table in front of my couch.



I'm pretty sure the last option is the best. I'm not going to let mishaps hold me back on this. I need to get my work done and handed in. I admit I'm a little behind again... BUT it's not like it was.



I have for math:



-Two ungraded quizzes

-Two graded quizzes

-My final exam

-Two or three writing assignments



It's not as bad as it sounds.



For my composition II course:



-Two papers with both being a length of two pages.



Not bad at all.



*smiles* It's just getting something set the hell up and working properly!



I think I have my answer then...



I'll be asking Brett here in about five minutes.

PRIVATE ENTRY
05:39 May 29 2010
Times Read: 878


• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •

17:21 May 27 2010
Times Read: 893


I know I'm thinking of Courtney because of Punkie's death. I believe I've had a few conversations with her on here but nothing major.



It's sad to log on to see though. I guess in a way I want away from all the kismets and words. I'm now going through the database bookmark I have to log into Vampire Rave. I really like how Cancer dedicated the home page to her. It's really classy and it's well deserved for her.



But... it is depressing when I did not know her.



I avoid newspapers and watching too much televisions or news programs because of the depressing events happening every day. It's nothing new.



However, it is new to be exposed to it on here... what has become my safe haven.



Now, I know some people who read this will probably become upset. It probably sounds like I'm trying to downplay her death or her influence on the world around her. But that's not my intent at all...



Everyone has influence on the world around them. She left a family behind, along with a lot of friends and people who only talked to her for a few. She effected a lot of people.



At this moment though, I wish I had the option to not view kismets under friends' screen names or on the "Who's Online" page.



It's upsetting to me because it reminds me of the emotions surrounding Courtney.



She died of cancer at the age of 21 years old.

She went completely blind at the age of 18.

She had to get a kidney transplant at 16.

Countless blood transfusions, lab work, tests, and I don't know how many surgeries when she was younger...

She was even on a feeding tube until she was 9.



Life isn't fair. Courtney always talked about wanting to have a husband and child. She also criticized people to their face about getting pregnant before they were able to take care of a child. She never got to go to college. She never got her license but drove on a learner's permit for about two months. Heck, she didn't lose her virginity until she was almost 20 years old. Haha, but she did go with some friends to a sex toy party up in Pittsburgh, PA.



I'm trying to remember the good times but it never goes that way for long when I see the news of everyone dying.



So I guess I'm just avoiding kismets, journals, and a few pages until it passes eventually or something. I hope that doesn't sound bitch-ish... but this is how I feel.

12:25 May 27 2010
Times Read: 900


I see the forums are still not back up. Hmm.



I'm screwed on homework at the moment. I can't log into my ITT Portal because of security issues.



The laptop has viruses to hell and back.



We know whatever is causing the biggest issue is a worm. I've ran AVG multiple times throughout the night. I've got Search and Destroy going now. It's already found three more things.



*sighs*



I had to wake Brett up a total of 15 times and he only remembers like two. I ended up squirting him in the legs with water, only to get no reaction. I squirted him in the tummy... only to get him grumbling and scratching his tummy like it was just a fly. Then I squirted him twice in the face with about five seconds between the squirts. *nods* First one - no reaction. Second one - "I'm up! I'm up!"



Ugh! I hate getting him up in the mornings. It only took me from five o'clock to six - forty-five this morning. That's only an hour and forty-five minutes. At least it wasn't four hours of fighting him like a few times in the past two months.



As for Mister Fishy...



He's moving okay. He's eating. His tank is at about 80 degrees and cooling. We have the air conditioner on during the day. He has two bubble stones and we hooked up the bubble action shipwreck we got him a while ago. He's still not up to par and we need to find a better way to cool his tank but he's better than what he was.



I'm wondering how long it's going to seriously take for the S&D to get done and me be able to log into my Portal for homework and my finals.



Two of my courses, my mathematics and composition II, end this weekend. My networking course last until next weekend.



I'm positive I'm not going to be able to go anywhere this weekend even though it's Memorial Day. My professor is giving me the extra time for my exam because of Brett not being home long enough for me to take it all until this weekend. I'm going to be in chats with him while doing the exams.



I'm going to take the full second pill tonight of my one medicine. I was already supposed to be taking one whole in the morning and one whole in the evening. BUT... I get dizzy from increasing it and Brett's off on the weekends and it gives my body time to adjust. If I have anything to say about it, the increase isn't going to keep me down. *nods*



I've been getting better with trying to deal with some of the changes that have happened the past two years. I feel horrible for how I've acted towards Brett at times and not so much at others.



I don't regret my actions, other than my anxiety getting so bad I didn't spend as much time as I needed/wanted to with Courtney. I feel like I cheated her and myself. She needed me and I couldn't cope with everything... I wish I could have dealt with it all better.



I'm still finding myself "pretending" she's not gone.



... And yeah, I'm crying my eyes out right now. I guess I'm thinking too much at the moment... again.



I know I need to think. I need to work through it all but with my classes going on, Brett not here, nothing I can take for an anxiety attack, Aurora here, and things needing to be done... I can't. I just simply can't.



Oh and to top off my frustrations... our case worker is refusing to do a review of our case unless I go to the appointment with Brett. She won't just meet him with him having all the documents needed... so he's going to have to miss two classes that day, instead of just one.



Irritation... *nods*



I'm going to go ahead and get some things started and hopefully done. Later...

04:32 May 26 2010
Times Read: 911


The fish needs saved.



The tank is completely hot as hell.



We checked it about an hour and a half ago to find the temperature at 86 degrees Fahrenheit. The thermometer was completely maxed out! We think it was higher!



His tank temperature is supposed to be between 68 and at the most 74 degrees.



We have never seen a fish survive in such high temperatures... not a GOLDFISH!



This is my Mr. Fishy.



This is my nephew's fish.



This is the fish I've been taking care of for almost two years. We won him together at a little fair.



He's not allowed to die!



This is my talking buddy. This is my damn rock.



Damn it!



We're heading to Wal-mart to get some things to cool it down.



I added ice cubes and Brett added cool water after getting the hot water out.



We cleaned out his tank completely to put new fresh room temperature water in. He's in a smaller tank that we first had him in.



He's moving now.



He's ate a few bites of food.



His eyes are responding now.



He was almost dead when we noticed.



I'm not sure he's going to make it.



I'm scared to death to be alone.



Aurora's not asleep.



We're going to Wal-mart tonight.



This fish is one of the reasons I've made it through the past two years.



Hell, even through everything after Tony left and everything else.



Mister Fishy has been there for me.



He's not going to die if I can help it.



Like I told him, if I have to blow water into his gills, I will do it without a second thought!



I don't care.



He's not allowed dying.



This is the fish that killed another goldfish by starving it to death and beating it up.



This is the fish that will nibble anyone who sticks there damn fingers in his tank.



This is the fish that gets fed five to eight times a day and eats it all!



This is the fish that has been through everything!



He's not allowed dying.



He has too much fight.



Goodbye... going to Wal-mart with BRett and Aurora.

20:19 May 23 2010
Times Read: 934

Right now, I'm pissed beyond belief.



Brett's cat, Skids, pissed on my daddy's shirt!



My DAD's shirt!



I just did the most stupid thing to keep from doing other things that are stupid... I took a straight tall shot of Bacardi 151.



Not my brightest idea.

I'm more dizzy now than earlier.



Damn fuckin' cat. Damn freakin bastard. He better be happy he's getting fixed on the 8th otherwise his ass would be out.



Jst stay away from me skids, just stay the fuck away!



I"m trying to calm down but there isnt much calm to be had I guess.



My daddy has been gone since 2004. I have lots of things that remind me of him... and I can't believe the cat pissed on his shirt!



I fuckin hate him riht now I fuckin hate him!



Damn catr! Damn it!



I"m going to have to try to save my daddy's shirt tomorrow by soaking it and whatnot.



Fuckin' cat. fuckin hell.



it's the only shirt I have that smells like my daddy still his scent is locked in that shirt. It's the only thing I have that still smells like him! The the only thing! The only damn thing!



Fuckin cat

Damn it to hell

I'm hoping soaking it and things will get the piss and smell out but not my dadd'y's I want his smell to always be in that shirt.



I even wore that shirt right after having Aurora.



I need to stop crying. I need to calm down. My throat needs to quit burning but it's not going to.l I know that one for sure. God, I'm stupid. Stupid stupid move. ut at least I didn't kill the cat. At least there's no blood on my hands. Fuckin cat

11:10 May 23 2010
Times Read: 944

I feel like crappers... but I've been doing things I once enjoyed and actually liking it again.



=)



Video games when I find the time and reading a book. *nods*



The computer screen makes me dizzy. We think it's the refresh rate of the screen. Whatever it is makes it to the point I feel really pukey.



... I never thought I would get "sick" looking at a computer screen.



I'm still doing good with my medicine... but I need to remember when I first wake up that I can't immediately get up and things.



I don't have the ability to take my time with everything but hey, my mommy has even noticed a difference.

23:43 May 20 2010
Times Read: 957


I feel like crap at the moment but I'm getting better. It's amazing how much a medicine can make a disorder better. I'm hoping this is the right medication for me. I really am.



I'm up to taking one pill in the morning and a half at night before bed. Last night was the second night of the increase and it is making me dizzy in the day again.



I'm scared if the dizziness gets worse or something, he's going to have to take me off of it.



There's a lot of restrictions with it and half of them I don't even know yet.



But it's working. I'm feeling so much better. I'm more upbeat. I'm not spending hours crying over something like me falling while getting up or other silly things.



I'm not so terrified to death to go outside! I'm still scared shitless and don't want to do so but I don't feel paralyzed by the fear like I have for the past couple of years.



Brett and I are like our "Nashville" selfs pretty much again. *smiles*



... I don't regret anything that we've done these past two and a half years.



BUT...



At the end of last year we almost made the biggest mistake of our lives.



We deserve the biggest bitch slap anyone could ever have.



I know if things would have played out like we were arguing and things... I would have held everything against him and cut him out of my life completely. I know I would have held that grudge for the rest of my life. We would have both done so.



We're closer now than ever. We're talking again, actually communicating. We're pulling through situations while supporting the other again. We care about what the other thinks!



I love him and I'm glad that we stayed together through thick and thin.

11:53 May 18 2010
Times Read: 971


Last night and this morning has been interestingly irritating.



I tried to give chest compressions to Fancy, my hamster just to get five grains spit into my face and her trying to bite me...



And then this morning, trying to wake Brett up when he took half an Ambien last night AFTER 11 o'clock.



Dumbass...



Ugh!



My psychiatrist wants me to continue with my medicine even though the one is setting off my stomach irritation and crap.



I still don't know what I can take for allergies since I can't take anything with antihistamine (sp?) in it.



Stupid nurse didn't comprehend half of what I was explaining to her!



I'm in a bitchy ass mood.



Oh yeah, I got my period yesterday. Blah. My tummy feels like it's being ripped the heck out. I just want to curl up and go back to bed.

22:57 May 16 2010
Times Read: 979


I'm trying to finish up my final project paper for my Composition II course. I've already planned it out. I've gotten the middle parts completed and have to do the introduction, conclusion and editing yet.



Once done with that...



I have one major writing assignment I'm worried about and than I don't know if I'm worried about the rest today. *hides*



I'm not behind in the least though. I'm up to the current week. I would be one day late on Math quizzes and a writing assignment there which the professor won't take off points for. And in Networking, I have two writing assignments. I'm pretty sure he will not take off for one day late.



So I'm worried about it but not. I'm out of it. I've been out of it.



I found out it's the sleeping medication that is causing the pain in my stomach and my costochondritis (no fuckin' clue if I spelled it correctly) to act up badly. What is it? It's a form of arthritis where the ribs connect to the sternum is how it has always been explained to me. My stomach is up under my diaphragm and yes, that is from the tests I've gotten in the past. It took two doctors and three nurses to find my stomach. I've always found that funny as hell!



But it's irritating my stomach and even my protonix (sp?) are not helping with it.



So tonight I'm going without the sleep medication.



And with the high blood pressure medicine... there's a shitload of restrictions!!

11:51 May 15 2010
Times Read: 993


*siren sounds in background* Cancer alert! Cancer alert! Commence Phase Paranoia!



You know, any time before my anxiety went through the roof, I would have been glad and excited Cancer visited my profile for whatever reason.



Now... I'm paranoid I did something wrong.



Or that he's tired of people bitching about the contest to him and is wondering if I'm going to find it any time soon! LOL!



Oh yeah, I'm paranoid.



Two times within this week that I know about, the man has been to my profile.



I admire him. Who doesn't really admire the man behind the Dark Network? Hell, I think I admire his motivation more than anything!



But I also realize he is just another guy...



*sighs* Rationalizing doesn't help me calm down. I wish it did.



... Off to look for that damn DVD! And do more homework.

22:49 May 13 2010
Times Read: 1,002


I'm trying to get my homework finished for this week.



Monday, I had appointments all day and ended up being sick in the evening from my anxiety disorder.



Tuesday, the first day I took the new medicine for my anxiety. I slept most of the day and when I did wake up to go to the bathroom or something, I was insanely dizzy and lightheaded.



Wednesday, the second day for the medicine. I went back to bed but did get a little bit of my homework done. I couldn't really concentrate on anything that took much thinking.



Today so far, well it's been interesting. Brett had class. Like I said, I got really dizzy a little before 11 am and Aurora got put down for her nap an hour early. *nods* I've done good since I got a 30 minute nap during her nap time. While making hot dogs, I got a little dizzy... but that was after we had to go out for about 30-45 minutes. So I think it might have been because of my anxiety levels increasing. No real way to tell.



So, I'm working on my paper now. Well a summary of what I want to say in it. That way I'm not just blubbering as I go. I need a good grade on it. It's worth 24% of my final grade.



Right now, after working out the deal with my professor to get everything made up between Friday evening to Sunday night that I missed while being sick or recovering. But I have a 70%, which s a C. I still have four more assignments I handed in over the weekend that she hasn't graded.



I'm getting better. I'm doing better. I just need to keep working for what I want.

19:01 May 13 2010
Times Read: 1,005


I feel better from earlier. I ended up taking a 30 minute nap while Aurora was asleep.



I'm getting ready to give her a bath.

Make lunch.

Do some more cleaning.

And develop some of my claims.



I did feel like shit but the 30 minutes of sleep made a huge difference. I wonder how long it's going to take for my body to get used to this medicine.



... At least I'm not as tired and "out of it" as I was on Tuesday. *nods* At least Brett didn't have class on that day too.

15:52 May 13 2010
Times Read: 1,006


I feel like crap at the moment. Brett's in his classes so I have Aurora. Day three of the new medication. I'm doing pretty good. A slight headache but it's not that bad. I'm hoping it stays this way. I have, however, gotten really dizzy. I just laid Aurora down for her nap an hour early because of me feeling ill. I feel nauseous but not to the point I'm going to puke.



Ugh... he's going to be home in like four hours. I can make it.



At least Aurora listens to me a lot more than him. *nods*

01:49 May 13 2010
Times Read: 1,014


I ended up crying in Brett's arms this evening. I guess the stress of things lately has really been getting to me more than I thought.



I haven't been writing everything out on here like I used to because honestly, it's no one's business. Heck, it has absolutely nothing to do with Brett even... all of the current insane stress levels I'm dealing with has everything to do with me and nothing to do with him; other than him choosing to support me in the situations that are coming up.



I will say this much. I was taken off of my one medicine and put on two different ones.



The one is a high blood pressure medicine that my psychiatrist put me on to help me manage my anxiety disorder and PTSD.



The other one is to help with sleep. It doesn't have the kick that Ambien does with me and I love the fact I can hear Aurora now. Woot!



The high blood pressure medicine is making me feel out of it. I feel almost lethargic but not quite. It's hard to explain. I've had a migraine because of it though and I keep getting dizzy. The doctor said if it doesn't go away to call the nurse but it's getting better so it's more than likely my body getting used to it. *nods* At least the ringing in my ear has stopped other than in mid-anxiety attack.



I need to do tasks on my list but I don't care to. I don't care to do too much but I want to. I feel drained. It's like I couldn't give a shit whether I do something today with little stress or do it tomorrow with a tiny bit more.



Wow, that probably doesn't make since to most people. *sighs*

21:30 May 12 2010
Times Read: 1,020


Stop messaging me asking me where I found the DVDs. I will NOT give any hints or locations up.



It defeats the purpose of the game.



I've been looking. That's how I found them.



Heck, I've gotten over 4000 page views in three days. I didn't start until Monday morning. I don't care if I win or not.



I like hunting. LOL!



There's been like five people messaging me for hints.



It's not happening, so stop.



Okay?



Oh and I don't want any flippin' hints or locations from you either! I've been offered by a couple of people who I really respect and like and whatnot. Hehe! I don't take offense at them offering... I just don't want them.



It's a contest. A game. On a website.



I'm okay if I don't get it.



But if I do, I wanna say I got it by actually looking for the DVDs by myself.



I have standards for myself.



If I don't win, I'll be happy I found nine and before everyone else had.



Yay! LOL!

16:27 May 10 2010
Times Read: 1,038


Today's going to be busy. I have to deliver some papers and stuff to the Social Security building with Brett. I have two appointments today. One my my psychiatrist and one with my therapist. Thank god Brett called earlier, I would have assumed my appointment with Nancy was cancelled!



I'm so glad I got my things handed in over the weekend.



I have a lot this week to get done on homework and coursework. *nods* Math will be easy. Networking is going to be a bitch. And in Composition II, I have to write my final project paper. *sighs* It's worth 24% of my final grade.



I can do it all though. Yeppers, yep, yep.



Later, people.



... Hehe! I'm thinking of planning a tattoo around coconuts. It's the one thing that has been keeping me going when I've wanted to give up on things this weekend. It makes me giggle. *nods*

01:25 May 10 2010
Times Read: 1,049


I'm finished with my homework!



Woot! Everything caught up and the current week done!



I'm happy!



And proud!



♥

18:52 May 09 2010
Times Read: 1,054


Out of five assignments I need to get finished with and submitted...



I'm down to only...



Three

Left.



I've been working on the assignments since about six this morning.



I went back to bed for a little bit because I fell asleep while drinking Kool-aid. So not good for the beige carpet!



But I'm making great progress.



I've gotten a Major and Minor writing assignment done.



I still need to do the discussion forum thing (Project Part D2), a Major writing assignment I'm currently working on, and the Project Part C1.



This is a long, slow day... and when I finish, I'm going to bed.

07:48 May 09 2010
Times Read: 1,060


Finally going to bed! Woot!



I am overly tired.



Out of seven assignments I had planned...



Two and a half got completed...



That half is going first in the morning. (Major-This Week)



I have to talk to my mom and stepdad about the coal mines asap. (Minor)



I have to develop interview questions for experts about the state government overtaking local schools due to $1 million plus dollar deficits. (Major)



I have three claims I know of that I need to develop into three paragraphs each that are detailed, provide at least two types of evidence, and are in light of my assigned position of the assigned topic. (Project Part C1)



And last but not least (yeah, I used a cliche expression and I use a lot of them), a discussion forum assignment type deal that I have to go back to week five and pick two of the strongest claims that the opposing side's teammates developed... and politely criticize them... point out the good, agreements, disagreements, and evidence. *nods* (Project Part D2-This Week)



Three assignments left that are from me being sick... and two from this current flippin' week.



Today is Sunday. One hundred and fifty minutes ago it became Sunday.



... I'm still awake. Dead tired.



But my weekend has been fruitful and I'm excited to get done. I'm proud of myself for getting so much completed Friday and Saturday.



Five assignments. Not as in depth as the two and a half I did Saturday.



I can do this!



The end is in sight and I know it! Hell yeah!



The three late assignments have to be turned in by tonight (Sunday at 11:59 pm), preferably sooner.



The Project Part D2 has to be turned in by then too.



The Major from this week that is half-way done can be turned on Monday (costing me 10% of the grade) but I don't see the point in it since it is halfway done!



Yeah, there's the update.



Sleep.

Needed.

Yep.

Going.

Night.



... Coconuts.



^.^ Just for Court. I miss and love you.

04:40 May 09 2010
Times Read: 1,063

It's almost 11:30 at night here and I'm still working on homework. It is my fault completely. I'm not so much complaining about it as I am stating that I'm still going.



I'm working on my annotated working bibliography.



I so didn't get as much completed on my list as I wanted today.



I ended up doing cleaning more than anything and finished the evening with one of those migraines that have the "ice-pick" pain in the ear and a portion of my head.



Anxiety has picked up but at least my medication has taken the edge off.



Aurora really made me upset this evening with supper.



I cooked steak coated in a flour, minced onion, and some seasoned salt mixture in olive oil and some butter.



She threatened to throw her plate of food on the floor to the two anticipating kitties. Brett and I told her "no" and "not to" at least four times. She sneaked the plate of food under the high chair tray to dump it under her for the kitties and then went to playing with the plate and fork.



It tired my patience. She went to time out. Enough said... I think.



I don't know how long I'll be working on my homework tonight but I want to get as much as possible done.



So yeppers, you guessed it... going back to the assignments now. Later!

06:07 May 08 2010
Times Read: 1,070

tiffy, ambien. tiffy might not make it downsttairs



tiffy wants shorts or ubderwear to sleepp in that's it



not that hard but where are they ayt

04:02 May 08 2010
Times Read: 1,077


*Homework update included*



Thank you, LadyKrystalynDarkstar. You are very right in the advice you gave in the comment below.



To those who sought to read my critiques and whatever else earlier, I won't have time to post anything of real substance until probably Sunday. But I do intend on posting my opinion. *nods*



I set out to complete five assignments earlier today at about two o'clock this evening.



I didn't get them all finished.



I have two left.



*sighs* I'm disappointed by it but I'm not letting it ruin the fact that I'm down to seven assignments.



I have until Sunday night to get them all submitted.



I know I can do this.



The only thing that really held me up this evening is I spent over three hours researching to find the statistics my paper really needed and developing my thoughts on a game I am honestly disgusted by but made an awesome example.



Heh! I know my professor will be just as disgusted by it. So I'm not alone...



As for the seven assignments left, they include:



From this current week:



A discussion forum (Project Part D2).

A major writing assignment.



From past weeks:



Two minor writing assignments.

One major writing assignment.

Project Part B1.

Project Part C1.



It's not that bad.



I can do this. I may not get it all done tomorrow but I am aiming to do so. It's not going to hurt me if I don't and have to do an assignment or two on Sunday.



I've already decided that other than the labs and discussion forum for Networking, I can be one day late for the writing assignment and things.



*sighs* I juggle the bills ALL the time. It's time for me to juggle my homework and classwork so I can get back on track with it all.



Three out of five assignments today isn't bad. The other two I didn't get completed are not too "in depth." One is researching and agreeing/arguing and dissecting the other people's claims. The other is dissecting an essay in the book to "read between the lines."



I can do this. Yep. I know I can.



I got the chance. I'm taking it. I'm not going to let this slip through my fingers. My complete paper is due next Sunday and I really need all of these other assignments under my belt.



This isn't about gaining the satisfaction or approval of my professor... this is about showing myself and redeeming myself in my own eyes.



I've become a slacker in my schoolwork. I never used to be. I always excelled. That one place of control I needed. I have lost it since dropping out of my last college from my scholarship falling through... but I'm determined to find it again.



I want to be in this career field. I want to get "a grip on reality" while doing it. I want to heal and cope with my past. I want to learn to live with my anxiety, paranoia, and whatever else. I need to do so just as much as I want to do so.



I may not be so determined four days from now but the goals never really change. It's all or nothing. I don't see situations, scenarios, or issues as black and white with gray areas in between. I see it as only black and white... all or nothing. I guess it is one of the reasons I've been diagnosed with the personality disorder NOS. I fit into more than one of the categories and there's no way to list them in my record.



I need to get to bed. I'm drained and feel exhausted from trying to figure out so much. I feel ashamed because I've done little in the category of physical activity today. Brett's been doing almost everything so I could concentrate on my homework.



I need this for myself though.



I want to look in the mirror a few days from now and say to myself, "I'm proud of you" and genuinely mean it.



Oh and by the way, I got to shave my legs this evening while I was in the bathroom with my tummy cramping making me believe I was going to puke.



... I spent the time in a productive manner.



=)

00:53 May 08 2010
Times Read: 1,091


I'm going to type out some of my opinions of issues on Vampire Rave. I know there will be people who will not agree but I also know there are some that will. *nods* I'm tired of seeing situations evolve into worse. My words probably won't change a damn thing in the end but it will give me some where to vent!



Haha! So fyre, XxNephthysxX, and others, thank you.



You have personally made me think about a lot in terms of my life, my opinions, and a lot more.



I'm finding something of myself, my thoughts, and my own words again. Changing bit by bit but it is still happening.



Music playing.

Homework coming along.

Food in the tummy.

Fuel.

Words.

Opinions.

Life.

Experiences.



=)

19:11 May 07 2010
Times Read: 1,095


I'm down to ten assignments left.



I can do this.



I was trying to even out the work but I finally said fuck it!



I divided it up by weeks and I'm doing the first five today and the others tomorrow. Of course I'm doing the current work first but the ten assignments include the work for this week.



Brett got me Monsters... the Import flavor. The only ones I'll really touch. Heh! I still think of one guy when I smell the smell of any of the Monster flavors. Wonder who that can be?



Hahahaha!



I still have half of my Networking to do but I'm worrying about my Composition II course first. I'm not the brightest when it comes to the networking and it probably takes me twice the work to get the concepts that other people can just pick up on... but I'm not the most ignorant person about it.



And at least I know I need to do the extra work to "get it."



Got to get back off of here and finish more homework. I'm glad I'm getting caught up... not using excuses... and taking some kind of control back again.



It's not a "can't" situation... it's now a "can."



Now in the next few coming days to try to figure out some kind of action plan to work on my anxiety and depression.



Maybe I need to work on the PTSD first since most of my paranoia and anxiety comes from the experiences I've had in the past.



I don't know. *sighs* In my opinion, there's WAY TOO MUCH I want to kind of work on or change about myself it's unbelievable.



There's too many times I just don't want to be me anymore.



I'm just tired of the nightmares and the thoughts.



I just want to quit thinking.



Maybe I should have been a robot with predetermined processes that are set to a schedule?



"Must delete log! Must delete!"



Yeah, just maybe.

16:33 May 07 2010
Times Read: 1,096


The good news is I have until Sunday to get things in that I missed from being sick.



I've been working on it most of the morning.



The great thing is I have only eleven assignments left, which includes what I haven't gotten finished with for this week.



I can do this. I got my chance and I'm not wasting it in any way.



I've still been having weird dreams and whatnot. *nods* Some of them are really graphic and almost like puzzles of some sort. Or maybe the better word here is maze. *shrugs* I'm still running through memories trying to see myself. I think that's the oddest part since it's been going on for over a week or longer.



Getting back to my homework. For my work, I'm against lowering the drinking age. For my paper, it is our choice. I'm honestly not sure where I really stand on it but I need to find out.



=)



Later.

01:46 May 07 2010
Times Read: 1,102

I'm trying not to sound pushy... but I am pushy!



Professor got back to me. Instead of answering my questions, she replied with "That would be fine."



What would be fuckin' fine? Me losing my mind? Me trying to comprehend assignments when you tell me an answer that is vague as all hell?



Oh my god!



I want to hit someone with my three books for this course!



At least I remembered to say "may I" instead of "can I!"

22:48 May 06 2010
Times Read: 1,105


After running around the apartment in her purple ball, Fancy, the hamster is drinking water like crazy.



=)



My mom has Aurora for a couple of hours. They're going to plant flowers and play in the dirt. I'm glad for the break to say the least.



I hate Brett right now. The rule of having pop/soda/whatever in the apartment is you take your cans and crunch them to be recycled. He hasn't. 19 cans of his for the past three days from the last time I cleaned them up. Ugh! Hate! Hate! Hate!



The professor still hasn't gotten back to me. I'm glad I already did the pain in the bum survey because I probably wouldn't be giving her such a nice review from my irritation being through the roof.



Even though I got sleep last night, I feel like I'm going just as insane. Go figure!



And during the couple of hours my mom has Aurora Bliss, I'm not doing homework... I'm cleaning. I'm cleaning, cleaning, cleaning.



Otherwise it's not going to get done and I'm going to go all postal on people's butts.



That's it.



I'll be a postal Tiffy!



Grrrr!

19:09 May 06 2010
Times Read: 1,111


Last night, desperation took over. I dug out my old script of Ambien 10mg and took one. I have three left for when I need it most. But one pill in me about 10 pm and I was out for most of the night. I feel drained today from my body wanting to catch up on sleep. We all know that isn't possible.



I did a worksheet my therapist gave to me with what she says is the best diagnostic sheet she could give me for bipolar. She thinks I am. My mom thinks I am. Brett thinks I am. But I honestly don't know.



I don't really want that label. Well, yet another label for them to put me under. But if I have it then I have it and need help living with it.



*nods*



Bad thing about the worksheet is... I had to answer yes to most of the questions.



As for my Composition II course, I sent the doctor's note and care sheet to her in the evening yesterday. I haven't gotten a reply from her yet. It's making me very anxious and worried.



So here's to waiting and hoping for the best!



I'm getting started on what I think she will accept... that way it's done and possibly handed in.



I still have to do my networking homework for this week... but my math stuff is all done except one more discussion forum... but there's no one to reply yet.



I'm sadly about to go back to bed. *yawns* I'm so tired and Aurora's taking her nap.

02:40 May 06 2010
Times Read: 1,114


I got a little bit of sleep this evening. Probably about two hours. Its insane to actually think how much better I feel from two hours of sleep.



Brett went to the store. Aurora's in bed and fighting sleep.



And I'm watching "The Happening."



I shouldn't be watching it. Ugh... Um... I love this movie but I'm not sure it's the best for me when I still haven't gotten more than five hours collectively of sleep.



I sent the doctor's note to my professor. I'm now awaiting a reply about how far back I can hand in assignments.



I've agreed that I'll get caught up within the next couple of days. That way there's a time limit on it.



*nods* Hopefully, there's hope for me yet.



But at least I'm doing pretty good at trying to get my thoughts and things out there...

08:54 May 05 2010
Times Read: 1,121

I need sleep. I could have sworn I just saw Courtney out of the corner of my eye. I'm upset. I'm crying my eyes out. I don't even have my glasses on at this point. I miss my Court Court. I'm scared of the dark. The television on isn't even really helping. I did sleep for about 45 minutes earlier tonight while Brett was playing video games. I'm trying to get some more sleep. Heck, I'm sleeping with my book light because I'm paranoid, anxious, scared of the dark, upset, and whatever else. I can't stop checking my message center for ITT... hoping that the professor has gotten back to me. But of course, she hasn't. Who exactly would at this time of night? Maybe I can get some sleep if this damn train stops picking up its load of milk tanks and stops blaring its horn... yeah, that's a possibility. Screech! Screech! Damn wheels, damn track, damn it. I feel so wide awake but I'm exhausted. I keep having weird dreams where I'm chasing through memories trying to find some resemblance of myself. I find the mirrors in the memories and look into it... just hoping to catch a glimpse of myself. The real me. Not this uptight, always scanning, always anxious, always jumpy, always down and scared me. The real me. Whoever that is anymore. I remember the dream I had before waking up at 5 am yesterday... well some of it. I wasn't me and I was married to a guy who wasn't Brett. There was another guy who was staying with us for some reason and he turned out to be a serial killer. For some reason I had my real life dad's knife... (The one I almost cut my thumb off with when I was about seven or so years old in real life)... but anyway, my husband went to the guest bedroom to talk to this killer person... and didn't notice the knife on the bed beside him. Okay... well he was gone for a while and I went back to the bedroom. I saw the knife. We ended up overpowering him and killing him gruesomely. *nods* Okay, well we called the police. They said they were on the way and we were waiting in this room with the body bleeding everywhere. So much blood! Ugh! We were waiting and waiting. We got up, were pacing, we finally went to the porch to look out to see if they were anywhere in sight. To our surprise there was some kind of time warp thing that had happened or whatever and you know how in "I AM LEGEND" the lion and the other wild animals and trees and plants overtaking the city? Well that's what it looked like. We went back to the bedroom. The body was still there... the blood had not even started turning tacky or anything else. It was still fresh. What the hell! That's my dream that I remember... and the serial killer reminded me of Tony. LOL! Funny, right? I guess that's the real kicker for me! This was supposed to be a short entry but I guess I'm avoiding trying to sleep and peeling my eyes away from the computer screen. I doubt I really saw Courtney. I haven't sleep much the past like week and beyond. I doubt it was her. I know it probably wasn't. I'm hopeful though. I miss my best friend. I miss her so much. I know if anyone visits me from beyond the grave, it'll be her or my daddy. *nods* But it doesn't change the fact that I'm hopeful that it was her and I'll see her just so I know everything will be okay and maybe get some of "me" back. Some kind of footing for me to try to stand on. I feel like I'm just falling anymore. No matter what I try to get better, I fail and it just makes everything that much worse. It's just making me feel as though it's all hopeless and I'm dragging Brett amd Aurora down with me. I feel like shit. I think I may be getting the pneumonia back in my lungs again. My chest hurts, I'm coughing again, my throat is burning and itching, sore, my body is aching, and I'm praying I don't get it again. I don't want it. I want to be okay damn it. I don't want to feel anxious. I'm tired of feeling depressed. I'm pissed that I can't sleep for more than an hour or two at a time before waking up paranoid, anxious or from nightmares. This sucks. Everything is getting worse from me not sleeping. Everything! It's like my brain can't see even more than what it can't see or comprehend normally. Ugh! I hate the fact it seems I've just been complaining in my journal but you know what, if it makes me feel just a tiny bit better, it's worth it. I'm to the point I'm mostly freewriting without worrying about the spelling and grammar anyways. That's not even like me although I do misspell a lot of words and such. Hahaha! I'm sure people would agree there. I remember Birra making a journal or something a long while ago about me spelling definitely like defiantly. I couldn't catch the mistake. Him pointing it out made me so upset too. It made me worried about posting anything in my journal. But I got out of that worry, I guess. I try to make sure I don't misspell it anymore at least. So thank you, I think... but you made me cry. Ha! I'm so emo. Ugh! I despise most of the people who self-harm and shit around here... and yet, I've done it before. I still have relapses. I've burned, I've cut, I've used ice and salt before, I've used safety pins, snap bracelets, scissors, razors, and god knows what else I'm forgetting. I did it since I was 11 years old. It was the only way I could cope. Stuff stopped and the physical pain wasn't there but the thoughts and abuse were still there. How else was I supposed to deal? So I started abusing myself in many ways, I guess. I started overeating in fourth grade. I was always made fun of from the time I was enrolled in school. I hated people even back then. I would talk to other students. I barely talked to my teachers. I ALWAYS TALKED TO MYSELF. And weirdly answered myself. *nods* I got in so much trouble... clear up past the fourth grade for it. Nothing they did could stop the conversations I had with myself. I guess I drove them nuts. I used to hum to my food too... Heck, add the fact I walked on my toes... Yeah, I was a prime target. Plus, I honestly hated baths. I was a tomboy from hell. I've always been "out of the norm" with other people and kids my age. I need to get to bed. Sad thing is I know the only reason why I'm rambling and being so open and honest right now in this journal entry is because of my lack of sleep and my somewhat delirium from it. I swear, if I start hearing or seeing things from the lack of sleep... if I start thinking I'm hallucinating or having delusions, I'm calling the emergency number for my psychiatrist and crap. I'm scared and terrified that I'll eventually be that out of my mind from me having the anxiety disorder and crap. It's bad enough when I'm tired and anxious and left in the dark, I'll see my past... the memories play out on the shadows. I'm terrified of the dark. I feel like I'm a kid that Brett has to take care of. I hate the fact that I expect people to understand and know how I feel sometimes. I know they don't. I know they can't. But it doesn't change the fact that sometimes I expect them to... And then I feel horribly guilty about it. My life and emotions seem like they're caught in a Catch 22. It's all a cycle and I'm just hoping to break it and get better.

03:04 May 05 2010
Times Read: 1,127


My reply to my professor. Nothing but the truth, the whole truth... and that's it.



"I understand. I went to the urgent care on April 16th. I'm going to get my mom's scanner tomorrow to send the note from the doctor there. I have to get an x-ray done tomorrow morning for my chest to see if the type of pneumonia I had has cleared up all the way. I have an appointment with my primary care physician next week to see about it all.



I was completely down for about a week and a half before I went to urgent care to be treated. I was diagnosed with a form of pneumonia where I couldn't bring the phlegm up from my lungs. I'm not sure how to spell the name of the diagnosis but I think it is spelled pneumonitis. I can scan my prescriptions in if you want. I was on Dex pack, a cough syrup with codeine in it and an inhaler every four hours, and an antibiotic. I still have the things CVS staples to the bags.



I apologize for my lateness in assignments and my reply. I have generalized anxiety disorder and read your message a few hours ago but didn't have the nerve to reply. Long story short there, I'm applying for Social Security because I cannot leave my apartment due to fear. It's why I’m going to ITT-Tech online when there's a campus about 45 minutes from my area. But that's why it took me so long to go to urgent care and it took my fiancée calling my therapist to convince me to go.



I know it doesn't excuse my absence… but it is honestly what has been going on with me. I have the papers from Social Security, the doctor's note, the form for the x-rays for tomorrow, and my prescription printouts from CVS. Please let me know what you need and I do not mean for this to sound like some kind of sob story type deal.



-Tiffany ****"



*sighs* I listened to my therapist. I was honest about it all. I said what we talked about last night if I got a message about my assignments. I'm scared shitless right now about what my professor is going to say but at least it's the complete and honest truth, right?



I'm going to try to get some sleep tonight.



Brett had to help me change the hamster's bedding and wash the cage and bubble tubes and whatnot.



I'm going to go ahead and take my Zoloft and anxiety medication... I'm going to TRY to calm down from everything going through my head. I don't know what tomorrow's going to bring but I know the sun will raise... I hope.



Ha! At least it's not 2012! LOL! God, I hope I'm better before then... I'll lose my mind if I'm not.

01:24 May 05 2010
Times Read: 1,134


I'm doing somewhat better this evening. I feel like crap. I know most of my mood swings and habit of insanely thinking about things right now has to do with me getting little to no sleep at night.



I'm off the sleep medications again. Have been for a little while.



I'm thinking of talking to my psychiatrist about putting me back on Ambien. 5 mg or so every other night. Just something to TRY to help me. I can't keep this up where I'm not sleeping.



I feel like I can't even think rationally about anything.



I want to cry from my Composition II professor. I just got told to reword one of my assignment I turned in.



How many different ways can you say...



"-It deals with a controversial issue

-Clearly states a position and argues in defense of it

-Recognizes other positions and objectives

-Gives supporting evidence

-Wraps up with a reasonable persona"



Ugh! At the moment I want to call her the other word for female dog and storm off to do something else.



I can't.



I'm royally fucked in the class anyways. I need to cooperate and swallow my pride just a little. I can do this. She's just criticizing like she's supposed to do. Words can sting but they can't leave welts.



I'm going ahead and getting to it!

18:41 May 04 2010
Times Read: 1,145

I'm upset. I just almost killed my hamster, Fancy. How? Because I fell and I fell ON the CAGE!



More specifically... on the top where all the bubble tubes are and she's in the thing that's meant to be an outhouse.



I'm pissed at myself.



If I would have killed her or she would have gotten out and one of the cats got her...



I would have NEVER forgave myself.



Damn legs.



I guess I need to start calling the neurologist again, huh?



I need to get in for that appointment. I talked to my therapist about it last night. I'm scared to get in to see the neurologist because I'm terrified that something big is wrong.



I need to tackle some of my fears.



Ha! She at least understood about me saying...



I have anxiety about my anxiety!



Every time we have to go somewhere or I start thinking about what's coming up...



It goes through my head...



What happens if I have an anxiety attack at so and so place?

Could I handle it?

Are people just going to start crowding around me if I start crying from my fears?

What if Aurora sees me?



And so much more. It's insane.



Yesterday, Brett was a little over an hour late coming home from his own therapy appointment.



So much went through my head. I ended up having to take an anxiety pill.



I'm killing myself by worrying so damn much and I can't stop it!



It doesn't help for me to rationalize it out.

It doesn't help to think the fear isn't normal.

Statistics and knowledge DO NOT help but make me more scared and anxious.

I talk to myself to try to talk myself "down." Doesn't work.

I try to remember to breath deeply. I get light-headed... and can't remember to do so.

Nothing helps!



I can't keep doing this. I know my fears and anxiety are IRRATIONAL and ILLOGICAL! It doesn't change anything though.



Just because it's not normal and you don't have fears like it, doesn't mean it's not real for me.



It's very real.



It's overwhelming.



I've thought of suicide many times in the past two years because I'm overwhelmed so much with fears that I can't face no matter how hard I try.



Nothing works.

Nothing helps.

I get scared even more when I fail at facing it.



I feel like there is NO HOPE.



People want to know what's on my mind. Fine. You're not going to like it and you're going to think I'm absolutely insane in my fears and thoughts.



I know I am. Or that I at least lack logic in them but it doesn't change the fact I have these fears and become paralyzed with fear over them.



I've fucked myself over in English and I'm terrified to e-mail my professor back to talk to her about it. I have a doctor's note from where I was in the Urgent Care but I'm scared to send it to her.



I'm a chickenshit about EVERYTHING.



I feel as though I'm the girl who is scared of her own shadow so she forces herself to stay in the dark so she never sees it.



I feel as though I've backed myself in a corner and have blocked myself in with cement. How am I supposed to start clawing my way out?



I can't even comprehend when I got this bad. I hate to admit the fact I AM THIS BAD. My therapist is upset with me because I don't always tell her how bad I've become. Why would I admit to anyone that this is me? That I've lost myself this much! That I'm scared of the littlest thing and can't come to terms or cope with ANYTHING!



I'm crying.

I'm upset.

I feel like hiding in a corner right now.

Brett's not here.

I'm alone except for my daughter.

I can't allow myself to break down.

I need to stay strong if just for a few more hours.

I need to get where I can think again.

Or at least become a robot and clean more.

That's it.

Basic functions.

Basic thought patterns.

Let's go for the cleaning.

Nothing will appear to be wrong.

Mommy's just frustrated with the cleaning.

Frustrated with cleaning up so much after daddy.

That's it.

That's all that's wrong.

Nothing else.

Put a mask on. Keep it on.

Stay strong.

Don't think.

Not until Brett gets home.

Mr. Bubbles can hear me even in my head so I can't think.

Can't think.

Don't think.

He'll report it back to that person.

No thinking about that stuff.

Don't let that person know.

Don't let him hear.

Stop thinking.

Become numb.

Clean.

Clean like my life depends on it.

Clean.

Clean.

Clean.

Then Brett will come home.

We'll put Mr. Bubbles under the bed upstairs.

Then we'll talk and I can think these thoughts again.

But that person will never know.

06:31 May 04 2010
Times Read: 1,157


So I thought I would put it here that I've royally fucked myself over.



I feel so stupid. So ignorant. So... just blah.



I felt a little bit better when I came home from my therapy appointment but that went out the window when I read an e-mail.



I'm screwed and it's my fault.



No one else's but my own.



I can't change it but I can make sure it doesn't happen again.



I'm going to take my therapist's advice. I've stopped having interest in anything.



For the next two weeks between my appointments... I'm going to try to pick up two things that I've stopped doing.



I haven't journaled in my handwritten for like a month even... I'm not motivated to do anything that I enjoy or once found pleasure in.



So I'm going to start spending three hours a week on VR and do the Wii Fit for a minimum of three days a week.



I'm going to do the one thing I have to do and that's homework.



I'm going to find time to do one of my pet peeves when it doesn't get done and that's clean.



I need to find some resemblance of myself and I'm going to do it the only way that's been suggested.



*nods*



Too bad I can't sleep yet again. *Sighs* I really need to talk to my psychiatrist on the tenth about this crap.

20:49 May 03 2010
Times Read: 1,171


I feel worthless right now.



I had a breakdown earlier. I was trying to tell Brett what was on my mind the past week or so.



It's a lot to say the least.



I feel like my life is worthless. And when it comes down to it... right now it is.



Yes, I may be a...



Mother

Daughter

Fiancée

Sister

Aunt

Cousin

Niece



Blah, blah, fuckin' blah.



But I have no motivation, goals, and no control!



Since I started ITT-Tech and trying to get better, what have I done?



Every quarter I get behind... the last two weeks I try to get caught up and hope for the best.



I have control over NOTHING!



Someone was right the other day when they told me...



"You can't allow what happened to a part of your past to ruin your entire future."



They're right.



I really need someone to put my life in perspective. Seriously.



I feel like I deserve my ass kicked right now!



The only two people who really would tell me how it is and really know what's going on...



Are dead.



My dad.

Courtney.



Yes, things have happened each quarter. But that doesn't give me the right to say "well this happened so it's why I'm behind."



Brett and I are both guilty of making excuses for me.



This is the one area of my life I've always had control in since the ninth grade.



Yeah. My abusers would say things to me to try to "put me back in my place" and scare me.



But in my classes I excelled because I wanted to and in a way needed that control in my life.



My senior year I was taking Calculus, English AP, Government AP, Probability and Statistics, Physics, Interactive Multimedia, and I was a teacher's aide.



My dad died for fucks sake and I didn't get behind!



I ended up in the psychiatric ward for eight days and yet I still didn't get behind!



I ended up having to be home-schooled three months from my anxiety and my depression. I taught myself everything I needed to know and I still didn't get behind!



What the hell has happened to me?



How did I come this far and my brain get this... lazy?



I'm pathetic! I know I can do this, yet the excuses are made.



No more excuses.



I may not know how to beat my anxiety, depression or other mental problems... and I may be scared to fuckin' leave my apartment or to pick up the fuckin' phone but I am going to find this one damn part of myself again!



No excuses!



By the end of this week, I'm going to be caught up in my Composition II course. I'm going to stay up with my other two classes too.



I'm tired of myself!



It's disgusting to realize just how fuckin' lazy I've allowed my brain to become.



I want this one damn part of me back and I want this little bit of control!



I need it!